Monday, May 30, 2011

Happiness is...

Looking forward to something so much that time stands still. We are currently counting the days until our next ultrasound – 14 left to be exact. This ultrasound will tell us the gender of the baby, which is secondary to some of the other big questions we will have answered. We will learn if the baby’s anatomy (inside and out) is appropriate for the gestational age. In other words – does the heart have all the chambers and plumbing necessary to function properly and are all the other organs in working order and in their right location! 

I have been playing tug of war with the hands of time since the appointment was scheduled. I am simultaneously excited and anxious. Worried yet cautiously optimistic. I want to hear the results NOW, however I hesitate to be overly elated in advance. This is the Ying and the Yang of this pregnancy for me. I no longer take a healthy baby for granted. Regardless of all the prayers I have said, all the right things I have done, all the soft cheeses I have turned down, extra naps I have taken, I realize that the health of our baby is not fully determined by my actions. It is a mind-numbingly helpless feeling.  I know that I have to continue to take good care of myself and my unborn child to give him/ her the best start in life. At the same time a lot of uncertainties are left up to genetics, chance, good luck, bad luck, dumb luck and God’s will. Whichever way you look at it – Que sera, sera! (What will be, will be)! 

When faced with a challenge as a little girl my mom would always make me take a step back from the situation by asking me “What’s the worst that can happen?”  I have recently asked myself that very question while I lie awake in the middle of the night due to pregnancy-induced insomnia (aka excessive worrying).  My answer to this very question is incredibly comforting, and the only thing keeping me sane as I wait for the next two weeks to pass.

What is the worst that can happen? Worst-case scenario is that God grants us a child who will rely on us for its comfort, health, happiness and wellbeing. But wait, that is every child!!! Every little miracle born NEEDS its parents (biological, adoptive, plural, singular, two moms, two dads, two sets of moms and dads, grandparents) regardless of the family situation every child needs someone to love and nurture him/ her. Some children may just need a little more attention in one way or another! We CAN do that! We HAVE done that! We ARE doing that! All of a sudden worst-case scenario does not seem so overwhelming! Regardless of the results we get in 14 short days, in less than 336 hours, we WILL love our child and he/ she WILL complete our family – just like each of our two boys do every single day!  

(I believe a few minutes have passed since I started writing this... a few minutes closer... and I continue to happily wait!)

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